Today I lay down the law

Today is the first day my kids will experience chores. I have decided that they too shall help in the housework. Right now they are all sleeping. When they wake up they will be given some chores. I am tired of doing it all and their help will save me alot of time!!
This will be interesting!!

Today...a new day.

So I would say some progress. I don't know how great it is but it's progress.

I made it okay through the fourth, only spending around $100. But a week later I got the urge to spend and asked for $3600. I don't know even what I bought. Being a pushover I gave my brother $1000 and my mom $1000. I did have two kids with a birthday and they got bikes. I think all in all I did okay with the spending. But I was still mad at myself for asking for it. I had a weak spot I guess. Something made me think that I needed it. I really don't even know what.

In shock...

Well I made it through the Fourth of July only spending $100. Big difference. We still had tons left over. Unfortunately I think I will be looking at fireworks differently from here on out.

On the Fourth my boyfriend said that all his buddies were making sparkler bombs. Nicely, my brother said let's make one and showed him how. The next thing I know I glanced out the window to see the door off a mini fridge fly across the yard taking or breaking everything in its path. Obviously they put the bomb in the fridge and lit it. I was horrified that all five of my children were in the yard.

A few days later I learned that my cousin, who was 23, was killed by a sparkler bomb. He made the bomb, held it between his legs to shove the fuse in and it ignited. Blowing both his legs and his hand off. He bled to death. I guess the bomb he made was as thick as a soft ball. The one my boyfriend and brother made was as thick as a cigar. None of us new what to say. It's like driving over a bridge only to have it fall in after you clear it.

I immediately threw away the rest of our fireworks and decided next year just to go to a public display. I think the whole family is agreeing with me on this one.

Please be careful!!!

Here we go...

Today...I am realizing that alot of clothes in this house (Kids) are either too big or too small. Usually every summer I spend around $5000.00 for summer wardrobes. I did the have tos like swimming suits and basic shorts. I now would like to fix the kids wardrobes and rid us of items that are too small. These items are normally hung on the top rack and kept for....I don't know. So they are going. Today I am not buying any clothes. I am going to my moms and making my children clothes. I know how. Plus my mom has so much amazing fabric that I won't need to spend a penny. I am aiming today for 3 outfits per kid. Let's see what today brings!!! I am going over to check out her patterns and figure on how and what I will be making. Saving myself money.

Okay Stacey....Now what?

I have looked over my blog. It looks pretty scatterbrained to me. Depending on the day and time and what's crossing my mind at the minute is what a type about.

Technically when I started this blog it was to figure things out. With my kids, finances and myself. I really haven't done anything to get towards this. I am thinking I have too many goals, too many things going on daily, that I always get side tracked. Every aspect of my life has some sort of drama or problem that needs to be dealt with before I can fix the original problem.

I think I am going to have to disect everything and fix what ever it takes to get to the original problem, then I am going to have to dissect the problem and change it.

Having lived the life I have lived there is no shortage of problems. It is filled with mistakes left and right and letting things go up and down that I am constantly blind sighted by "surprises" and I see no end in sight. I am somehow reminded of mistakes or "happenings" that I have made or someone close to me has been through and it either affects me directly or changes my way of thinking. I could almost right a book of them.

I am always telling myself that I am smarter than that, or better than this. I guess what it boils down to is that I am tired of making the same mistakes over and over, especially when I know that it isn't the right thing to do.

I hope that I am not sounding hopeless. Which I am not. Actually I am a pretty positive person but find myself keeping to myself. Daily I am surrounded by kids and my family. Meaning every single day I talk to my mom, my brother, my grandma and my grandpa. I talk to my sister two to three times a week and the same with my step dad. My brother and his girlfriend live in Sioux Falls and I hear from them a couple times a week. I don't speak to any of my old friends. At some point we pretty much went our seperate ways. Most of my friends still party and don't have any kids. From time to time I run into a few and we always exchange numbers but I never find the time to give them a call or make time for a get together. When I do, go out, or do something it is with my family. Alot of people think this is weird because I have gone bar hopping with my mom and sister and I used to be close to both my brothers girlfriends. Over time we have grown apart because of different things here and there.

I guess what I am getting at is the drama, and the creators of it are in my life daily. There is no sign of slowing. I do feel out of place alot of times. My family, (Mom, Grandma, Siblings) all roll over if they hear someone fart. They have sick minds and are always making something out of a weird shaped object and make sick jokes. I am usually the one sitting there staring when these things happen. I remember as a kid in church my mom would always start laughing and have to leave and it used to be so funny. Now I just want to say grow up. So I keep my mouth shut but someone always says something.

Here I go blah blah blahing again. I need to identify and change or fix somethings right away.....Let's see if I can do this. I am going to make breakfast and then it's fixing time.

Just Thinking....

I am sitting here thinking. My children are all sleeping, still. Something happened last week that caused me to think even harder. I am talking about, alcoholics, gamblers, obesity, caffeine addictions, workaholics, domestic abuse, drug abuse, extreme financial highs, extreme financial lows. Homelessness, unemployment and so on. At some point in my life these things we're a major problem. Or in some way affected me or my family. Last week my brothers girlfriend of 8 years was arrested for domestic abuse. She goes to court on Friday. This has caused me to think about my marriage and the bs I had gone through for ten years. I don't think people really get the domestic abuse thing. I very rarely talk of it. My family knows, they saw the injuries and said my behavior was different during my marriage. While I was married I didn't think that I was in an abusive marriage. I knew he was mean and liked things done exactly the way he wanted. I did walk on eggshells every second of every day and sometimes worried if he would be upset that I wore make up to work. I was in and out of the hospital alot. I have many scars from stitches or gashes caused by fights. I really don't remember fighting alot. Or should I say he faught with me. I did nothing ever to defend myself. I didn't want to make it worse. Somehow he always made me think that I deserved it. Deep down I think (I hope) I knew better. It took me ten years to leave that relationship. It took loosing everything my kids and I owned (including my house). To stay away. It's been four years. I really haven't thought much about it. What I am getting at is I wonder if my brother goes through some of the same things I did. Weird to think that for a guy, but his girlfriend is an alcoholic. One of the worst ones I have ever seen. Drunk by noon. Completely out of control by 3PM and at times when I have run into she has wet her pants and didn't even know. She always drives and has never got a DUI. Not that she's careful, I have seen her, it's actually scarry and I have gotten into fights with her when she tries to pick her daughter up in the middle of the night from my house and shes trashed. I too was an alcoholic and I guess that's how I coped with leaving my marriage. But I don't ever remeber being abusive or argumentative, I however have gotten a DUI. My brothers girlfriend drinks, (I think) because they owe every place in town money. And they owe this because of a gambling problem. My brother told me that they have only lost around twelve grand this year. I think I choked when I heard that. The only reason they have a place to live is because they live in my old house. It's paid for. My grandpa bought it for me so my husband couldn't lock me out. When I left with my husband to another state he allowed them to move in. When I came home twenty days later, leaving everything behind, I really couldn't ask for my house back considering I left on bad terms. Against my families wishes. My brother is unemployed. He has been for seven years. He says he doesn't have time to work and acts as if he is better than that. Causing the family to always tell him to get a job. It may help out with bills. Ya think.........

Ultimately I don't know where I am going with all this. But It is funny (not really) how people who don't deal with these problems think that you can just stop. Stop gambling. Stop drinking. Leave your husband... It's alot harder than you think. I think that today even though I have my struggles, I am safe, I have a house, and my kids are happy. I have overcome an abusive marriage. Alcoholism. I hope to say my brother has overcome a gambling problem but that is no where in sight sadly....

still...the same

I am still trying to come up with a workable budget. Not working....... I am finding out more and more about myself, and today's conclusion is that I am compulsive. I want and want, not for myself but for my family, and I don't want to do it, I just want it done. Figuring lately has caused me to really hate myself and who I am. I don't understand why, when we go out somewhere, to big family functions (quite often) I have to by everything new. New clothes, New outdoor games, New chairs, new everything. We had a get together at Manor Park. We decided to grill out there and play some outdoor games. We all live pretty close and no one wanted to deal with the mess at their house soooo, we did it there. Once I heard of it I thought immediately I need around a hundred dollars for food. Then we need to go get some outdoor games. I immediately went into a frenzy trying to figure on a grocery list and what games to go buy. Everyone always tells me I spend to much and that it isn't needed. So, my sister offered to pick up the food. And that I could chip in. She also offered to bring the outdoor games, which she already had. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. I was asked to bring grilling equipment....spatula tonges and lawrys....and the kids. I couldn't help myself and grabbed our sand toys and some balls for the kids and my boyfriend had to bring his rip stick. I did grab a couple of chairs even though I knew there would be picnic tables. We ended up grilling out there and staying at the park around five hours. We had a great time and I was told the groceries we're $60.00 and I chipped in $20.00 along with my other two siblings. Ultimately it saved me alot of money. But I hated it. Not while we were there. I hated not going overboard. I guess I shouldn't say hated, I was uneasy, I felt unprepared. Dragging five kids to the park, to eat, I felt like I was driving blind. But it worked out. I am wondering now how to change my way of thinking so that I don't spend the money and I don't stress about not having enough to do or to eat.

One of my most expensive times of the year is coming up. The Fourth of July. My mom always has a huge party in her back yard. Filled with tons of food, tons of kids, swimming, music, alcohol, poker and someone always gets into a fight. Over the past couple of years we (boyfriend and I) have spent around $500.00. $300.00 for fireworks and $150.00 on food probably $50.00 on alcohol. Well this year, my plan is $25.00 for fireworks. We have so much left over that all we need is some sparklers for the younger ones. Food, I usually just do. I think I am going to lay low and see what everyone else wants to do and do the chip in thing again. This seems to work well. We won't be buying any alcohol this year, I am pregnant and my boyfriend doesn't drink. I may grab a six pack for him because he from time to time likes a cold one but atleast its not Rum, like I drink. That get's expensive. So my goal is under $100.00 this year. I am hoping I can be strong and stick to this. Everything else isn't necessary.