Today I lay down the law

Today is the first day my kids will experience chores. I have decided that they too shall help in the housework. Right now they are all sleeping. When they wake up they will be given some chores. I am tired of doing it all and their help will save me alot of time!!
This will be interesting!!

Today...a new day.

So I would say some progress. I don't know how great it is but it's progress.

I made it okay through the fourth, only spending around $100. But a week later I got the urge to spend and asked for $3600. I don't know even what I bought. Being a pushover I gave my brother $1000 and my mom $1000. I did have two kids with a birthday and they got bikes. I think all in all I did okay with the spending. But I was still mad at myself for asking for it. I had a weak spot I guess. Something made me think that I needed it. I really don't even know what.

In shock...

Well I made it through the Fourth of July only spending $100. Big difference. We still had tons left over. Unfortunately I think I will be looking at fireworks differently from here on out.

On the Fourth my boyfriend said that all his buddies were making sparkler bombs. Nicely, my brother said let's make one and showed him how. The next thing I know I glanced out the window to see the door off a mini fridge fly across the yard taking or breaking everything in its path. Obviously they put the bomb in the fridge and lit it. I was horrified that all five of my children were in the yard.

A few days later I learned that my cousin, who was 23, was killed by a sparkler bomb. He made the bomb, held it between his legs to shove the fuse in and it ignited. Blowing both his legs and his hand off. He bled to death. I guess the bomb he made was as thick as a soft ball. The one my boyfriend and brother made was as thick as a cigar. None of us new what to say. It's like driving over a bridge only to have it fall in after you clear it.

I immediately threw away the rest of our fireworks and decided next year just to go to a public display. I think the whole family is agreeing with me on this one.

Please be careful!!!

Here we go...

Today...I am realizing that alot of clothes in this house (Kids) are either too big or too small. Usually every summer I spend around $5000.00 for summer wardrobes. I did the have tos like swimming suits and basic shorts. I now would like to fix the kids wardrobes and rid us of items that are too small. These items are normally hung on the top rack and kept for....I don't know. So they are going. Today I am not buying any clothes. I am going to my moms and making my children clothes. I know how. Plus my mom has so much amazing fabric that I won't need to spend a penny. I am aiming today for 3 outfits per kid. Let's see what today brings!!! I am going over to check out her patterns and figure on how and what I will be making. Saving myself money.

Okay Stacey....Now what?

I have looked over my blog. It looks pretty scatterbrained to me. Depending on the day and time and what's crossing my mind at the minute is what a type about.

Technically when I started this blog it was to figure things out. With my kids, finances and myself. I really haven't done anything to get towards this. I am thinking I have too many goals, too many things going on daily, that I always get side tracked. Every aspect of my life has some sort of drama or problem that needs to be dealt with before I can fix the original problem.

I think I am going to have to disect everything and fix what ever it takes to get to the original problem, then I am going to have to dissect the problem and change it.

Having lived the life I have lived there is no shortage of problems. It is filled with mistakes left and right and letting things go up and down that I am constantly blind sighted by "surprises" and I see no end in sight. I am somehow reminded of mistakes or "happenings" that I have made or someone close to me has been through and it either affects me directly or changes my way of thinking. I could almost right a book of them.

I am always telling myself that I am smarter than that, or better than this. I guess what it boils down to is that I am tired of making the same mistakes over and over, especially when I know that it isn't the right thing to do.

I hope that I am not sounding hopeless. Which I am not. Actually I am a pretty positive person but find myself keeping to myself. Daily I am surrounded by kids and my family. Meaning every single day I talk to my mom, my brother, my grandma and my grandpa. I talk to my sister two to three times a week and the same with my step dad. My brother and his girlfriend live in Sioux Falls and I hear from them a couple times a week. I don't speak to any of my old friends. At some point we pretty much went our seperate ways. Most of my friends still party and don't have any kids. From time to time I run into a few and we always exchange numbers but I never find the time to give them a call or make time for a get together. When I do, go out, or do something it is with my family. Alot of people think this is weird because I have gone bar hopping with my mom and sister and I used to be close to both my brothers girlfriends. Over time we have grown apart because of different things here and there.

I guess what I am getting at is the drama, and the creators of it are in my life daily. There is no sign of slowing. I do feel out of place alot of times. My family, (Mom, Grandma, Siblings) all roll over if they hear someone fart. They have sick minds and are always making something out of a weird shaped object and make sick jokes. I am usually the one sitting there staring when these things happen. I remember as a kid in church my mom would always start laughing and have to leave and it used to be so funny. Now I just want to say grow up. So I keep my mouth shut but someone always says something.

Here I go blah blah blahing again. I need to identify and change or fix somethings right away.....Let's see if I can do this. I am going to make breakfast and then it's fixing time.

Just Thinking....

I am sitting here thinking. My children are all sleeping, still. Something happened last week that caused me to think even harder. I am talking about, alcoholics, gamblers, obesity, caffeine addictions, workaholics, domestic abuse, drug abuse, extreme financial highs, extreme financial lows. Homelessness, unemployment and so on. At some point in my life these things we're a major problem. Or in some way affected me or my family. Last week my brothers girlfriend of 8 years was arrested for domestic abuse. She goes to court on Friday. This has caused me to think about my marriage and the bs I had gone through for ten years. I don't think people really get the domestic abuse thing. I very rarely talk of it. My family knows, they saw the injuries and said my behavior was different during my marriage. While I was married I didn't think that I was in an abusive marriage. I knew he was mean and liked things done exactly the way he wanted. I did walk on eggshells every second of every day and sometimes worried if he would be upset that I wore make up to work. I was in and out of the hospital alot. I have many scars from stitches or gashes caused by fights. I really don't remember fighting alot. Or should I say he faught with me. I did nothing ever to defend myself. I didn't want to make it worse. Somehow he always made me think that I deserved it. Deep down I think (I hope) I knew better. It took me ten years to leave that relationship. It took loosing everything my kids and I owned (including my house). To stay away. It's been four years. I really haven't thought much about it. What I am getting at is I wonder if my brother goes through some of the same things I did. Weird to think that for a guy, but his girlfriend is an alcoholic. One of the worst ones I have ever seen. Drunk by noon. Completely out of control by 3PM and at times when I have run into she has wet her pants and didn't even know. She always drives and has never got a DUI. Not that she's careful, I have seen her, it's actually scarry and I have gotten into fights with her when she tries to pick her daughter up in the middle of the night from my house and shes trashed. I too was an alcoholic and I guess that's how I coped with leaving my marriage. But I don't ever remeber being abusive or argumentative, I however have gotten a DUI. My brothers girlfriend drinks, (I think) because they owe every place in town money. And they owe this because of a gambling problem. My brother told me that they have only lost around twelve grand this year. I think I choked when I heard that. The only reason they have a place to live is because they live in my old house. It's paid for. My grandpa bought it for me so my husband couldn't lock me out. When I left with my husband to another state he allowed them to move in. When I came home twenty days later, leaving everything behind, I really couldn't ask for my house back considering I left on bad terms. Against my families wishes. My brother is unemployed. He has been for seven years. He says he doesn't have time to work and acts as if he is better than that. Causing the family to always tell him to get a job. It may help out with bills. Ya think.........

Ultimately I don't know where I am going with all this. But It is funny (not really) how people who don't deal with these problems think that you can just stop. Stop gambling. Stop drinking. Leave your husband... It's alot harder than you think. I think that today even though I have my struggles, I am safe, I have a house, and my kids are happy. I have overcome an abusive marriage. Alcoholism. I hope to say my brother has overcome a gambling problem but that is no where in sight sadly....

still...the same

I am still trying to come up with a workable budget. Not working....... I am finding out more and more about myself, and today's conclusion is that I am compulsive. I want and want, not for myself but for my family, and I don't want to do it, I just want it done. Figuring lately has caused me to really hate myself and who I am. I don't understand why, when we go out somewhere, to big family functions (quite often) I have to by everything new. New clothes, New outdoor games, New chairs, new everything. We had a get together at Manor Park. We decided to grill out there and play some outdoor games. We all live pretty close and no one wanted to deal with the mess at their house soooo, we did it there. Once I heard of it I thought immediately I need around a hundred dollars for food. Then we need to go get some outdoor games. I immediately went into a frenzy trying to figure on a grocery list and what games to go buy. Everyone always tells me I spend to much and that it isn't needed. So, my sister offered to pick up the food. And that I could chip in. She also offered to bring the outdoor games, which she already had. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. I was asked to bring grilling equipment....spatula tonges and lawrys....and the kids. I couldn't help myself and grabbed our sand toys and some balls for the kids and my boyfriend had to bring his rip stick. I did grab a couple of chairs even though I knew there would be picnic tables. We ended up grilling out there and staying at the park around five hours. We had a great time and I was told the groceries we're $60.00 and I chipped in $20.00 along with my other two siblings. Ultimately it saved me alot of money. But I hated it. Not while we were there. I hated not going overboard. I guess I shouldn't say hated, I was uneasy, I felt unprepared. Dragging five kids to the park, to eat, I felt like I was driving blind. But it worked out. I am wondering now how to change my way of thinking so that I don't spend the money and I don't stress about not having enough to do or to eat.

One of my most expensive times of the year is coming up. The Fourth of July. My mom always has a huge party in her back yard. Filled with tons of food, tons of kids, swimming, music, alcohol, poker and someone always gets into a fight. Over the past couple of years we (boyfriend and I) have spent around $500.00. $300.00 for fireworks and $150.00 on food probably $50.00 on alcohol. Well this year, my plan is $25.00 for fireworks. We have so much left over that all we need is some sparklers for the younger ones. Food, I usually just do. I think I am going to lay low and see what everyone else wants to do and do the chip in thing again. This seems to work well. We won't be buying any alcohol this year, I am pregnant and my boyfriend doesn't drink. I may grab a six pack for him because he from time to time likes a cold one but atleast its not Rum, like I drink. That get's expensive. So my goal is under $100.00 this year. I am hoping I can be strong and stick to this. Everything else isn't necessary.

Childhood versus Today

As a child a grew up in a middle class family. We did have a smaller house but it was nice. We all had our own room and my mom decked them out. I have two brothers and one sister all younger than me. Growing up we got to do all the fun stuff. Vacations in the summer and so on and on. My grandparents lived a block away and were included in our lives daily. We spent Sundays at church and big meals afterward. When I was little I wouldn't say I was really deprived of anything. I just asked and someone gave it to me. I didn't realize how bad I would suffer as an adult and these things still happen. When I was 14 I wanted the $80.00 Girbaud jeans. My parents said no way. So I went to my grandmother and told her and she said to my mom, if a child doesn't feel good about themselves then they won't do good in school. So I moved in with my grandparents for nine months where they allowed me $350 a week clothing budget. When I moved home I had over 45 pairs of Girbaud jeans and shorts. A number I would never forget. Today I think that I have 4 pairs of jeans not a one namebrand. I also got anything else I wanted. When I turned 16 my grandma bought me a car. I talked my mom into letting me quit school and work full time. My mom let me drink, she let me smoke. And other than working that's what I did. I made $350 a week at that age and I only had to pay $40 a month car insurance and my gas. Everything else went to beer and clothes and music. Throughout my teens my parents or grandparents have bought me 6 cars. Two houses. And today pay all my bills. If I need money I just ask. Two years ago my grandfather started keeping track of my spending. Last week I just hit $206,000.00. In two years. In no way could I have ever made this in two years. I probably couldn't even in my lifetime. Today this affects me because my kids say I want a new bike lets ask grandpa. I don't want them to think someone will always pay there bills. I want them to know they have to work for what they want and I have done a poor job of showing them this. I started feeling guilty and depressed about that amount. People live on 1/6 a year. I really need to figure on how to downsize my spending and take it over for myself.......

Thank Goodness.....but

Thankfully I do not have a gambling problem. Unfortunately over the past two years I have watched a family go from everything to nothing. This is my brother, his girlfriend and their daughter. I didn't realize what was happening but got approached about 2 years ago to help cover a bad check that my brother was going to go to jail if he didn't cover. It was $600. I did. Then I heard he returned his daughters winter coat for a cheaper one so he had money to go. I didn't understand what go... meant. Over the past year I have seen their car and their motorcycle repo'd. I paid to get their car back but I get calls from the same company daily about attempting to get their car again. I have bought the necessities for their daughter for a good year now. It is to the point where the school calls me for lunch money for her. I firmly believe that this is going to be their way of life until the rock bottom. I have learned to just add their daughter in with my school supply shopping or holiday shopping. I feel bad for her. I do understand the addiction. My brother talked me into going with him a few times. I have lost. But on one hand I turned $30 into $500 and $18 into $400. This has only caused me to think about going everytime I want more money. But I don't go. Why I am blogging about this is I have decided not to help them anymore. Over the last two years, easily, I have loaned them over ten grand. Not including all the clothes, halloween costumes and what not. Plus I have an extra kid here all the time. My children have become hateful towards their daughter and it's a catfight all the time. She hears things her parents say and she rubs them in my kids face. This causes me to think "oh yeah" well your parents never do what they say and we're gonna do it without you" though I never do this. I don't have the heart. Last year in August I told myself this was going to stop. It was a Sunday and I was taking my kids to the fair. I knew already that my brother had lost alot of money and probably wasn't going to take their daughter to the fair. I was just going to wake up, load up my kids and go. My brother came over when we were on our way out. He asked where we were going and I told him. He said how am I supposed to afford school supplies and asked if I would save some money to help him. I said we will see. I went to pick up my sister and before heading out I couldn't do it. I turned around and went to my brothers house to pick up his daughter. I knew it was already gonna cost me over a hundred dollars, and I couldn't live with myself not including her. When I got there I asked if we could take her and she jumped off the couch and said yes. Afterward I took her and got her her school supplies. Only to find out that while we were there my brother had asked my grandpa for money for school supplies and he gave him a check. But he followed my brother and he went right to a casino. My grandpa went in and confronted him. Nothing happened as usual. I did hear yesterday they one eight hundred. But I guarentee that they will put it all in the machines. But now I am committed to letting them go on their own. I have provided food and money for them and this is stopping today. Again another hard one for me.

Admitting the problem is the first step.....

As a parent I fell into the role of the "nice" parent. When I was married, I was the one who worked. My husband took care of the house and the kids. I worked anywhere from 40-70 hours a week and there were days when I didn't see the kids. I did know that they were taken care of. When I split up with my husband....(sounds funny) I took all four (at the time) of my kids and moved in with my mom. I turned into a stay at home mom who took care of my kids. I felt bad for them that under certain circumstances they couldn't see their father. They blamed me for making their dad leave. Therefor I started to over do things. Like my son, who on his second birthday, I gave him 30 presents. No Lie. He was overwhelmed and didn't really care about a one of them. But this is what I did. I became compulsive about my kids and wanted them to have more of everything than everyone else. I have been doing this for a good four years now. My kids all get new bikes every spring. 15-20 gifts at Christmas. Huge birthday parties. I have had to turn one full room in my house into a walk in closet because they have to many clothes. I just threw away 6 garbage bags of shoes allowing each child to keep 8 pairs including my 1 year old. My children all have tv's, game systems and dvd players in their rooms. And when the character tv's a dvd players came out the plain tv's were replaced with these. Yet they work the same. My children have every game system possible with more games than you can imagine. My 12 year old has her own cell phone and is on her 2nd Ipod.
I never regulated what my kids listened to or watched on tv. I wanted them to know what's out there and to be aware and to do the right thing. This has caused language issues. Nightmares. Horrifying made-up stories. The one good thing is that my children don't use this language outside of the house and actually use manners and are well behaved. One of my family members said "don't teach your kids not to swear, teach them where they can and can't, Eventually they will hear it from somewhere". Somehow this is what happened.
I never made my kids go to bed at a regular time. Causing teachers to call and say that my 6 year old fell asleep in school. OOps. I tried the whole 9:00PM thing. (Anything but 8:00pm, This was my bedtime as a child). They need a drink, a hug, to use the bathroom, or blow their nose. I was lucky if they were actually sleeping my midnight. It seemed easier to let them stay up and fall asleep.
We haven't had a schedule in this house for almost five years. The kids eat when they want, and what they want. Someone is always hungry. It's frustrating.
Alongside everything else I have never made my kids do chores. They have always said "mom's just trying to be lazy, do it yourself". I found it easier to just do it myself than have to yell.
Don't get me wrong, I do have wonderful kids. But I have spoiled the you know what out of them and now they don't appreciate anything. I didn't realize at the time that I was hurting them not helping them. It's to the point where the expect a toy everytime we go to the store or there will be a tantrum right there.
Over the past couple of months my brother has told me "they way he sees it", is that they have too much. He pointed it out at Easter how I normally spend over $100 on each Easter Basket and only to have a huge mess for myself. He informed me that if I cut down 75% and spend $25 per kid that it would save me time and money and a mess, still giving them an amazing Easter. I did this. I cut my cost from $500 to just over $100 and they were still happy. This kind of change I can live with. I just need to be okay with it myself.
This kind of change can only benefit each and every one of us. This is what I mean.
Typing all this out helps me realize how bad it sounds and that this is not right. I don't want my kids to think they have to spend $100 per kid for Easter Baskets. More than likely they won't have the resources I do and will only be frustrated with themselves if they can't.
The Fourth of July is coming up and this one is going to be hard for me..... but I am devoted in bettering the lives of my children.

Day One

This is a new start for me. Blogging. Typically I write on paper, mostly so I don't tie up the computer. Now that I bought a desktop, that leaves the laptop open for me to type on.
I have been thinking, debating, and deciding on some major life changes. Turning 30 this year has inspired me to make some changes for the better around here.
I don't have the typical life. For one I have five kids. Soon to be six. I was married and divorced by the time I was 21. I live in my own house in which I have no bills. I don't pay for food, car gas, cigarettes or diapers. Pretty much just worrying about the extras.
I have not worked in three years. I wished I had known how hard it would be to go back to work after this long. It is literally impossible to motivate myself to look for a job. I end up making excuses.
My children are out of control. Ages 12, 9, 8, 6, and 20 months. I thought being the "friendly" parent I would get more cooperation, more happy children. I wish I could tell any parent considering this approach stay far from it. I didn't restrict my children. And now that I desire order, they have gone mad.
I let my weight get out of control. Hitting 250 is scarrier than ever. I am a shorter person and it just looks like I eat everything. This is not the case. I have allowed my children to eat and eat whatever they want. I bet I WAS the only mom who would add $30 worth of candy to the grocery list. Besides this they all are amazing kids, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just got a lot of work ahead of me. With new baby coming in December this is needed now more than ever.
I have had people in my life tell me that I was lucky for not having to worry about bills or anything. All I had to do was ask. As long as I could remember if I asked I got it. No matter what. Well this doesn't work when your the mother of five kids. My access to this kind of life has turned me into a straight faced, sour, and embarrassed person. I hide away in my house not leaving for days. These things have to change. I used to be outgoing, taking care of things when needed, now I let things slide. I got alot of work to do. Alot of careful planning. I feel like I am turning 18 and my parents are making me move out, only I have five kids to take care of and a house full of stuff. This is gonna take time. I really would like to have alot of this taken care of by the time the baby comes. This blog will help me even if no one reads it, I will. And I feel like people will so I will have to make progress from day to day.