still...the same

I am still trying to come up with a workable budget. Not working....... I am finding out more and more about myself, and today's conclusion is that I am compulsive. I want and want, not for myself but for my family, and I don't want to do it, I just want it done. Figuring lately has caused me to really hate myself and who I am. I don't understand why, when we go out somewhere, to big family functions (quite often) I have to by everything new. New clothes, New outdoor games, New chairs, new everything. We had a get together at Manor Park. We decided to grill out there and play some outdoor games. We all live pretty close and no one wanted to deal with the mess at their house soooo, we did it there. Once I heard of it I thought immediately I need around a hundred dollars for food. Then we need to go get some outdoor games. I immediately went into a frenzy trying to figure on a grocery list and what games to go buy. Everyone always tells me I spend to much and that it isn't needed. So, my sister offered to pick up the food. And that I could chip in. She also offered to bring the outdoor games, which she already had. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. I was asked to bring grilling equipment....spatula tonges and lawrys....and the kids. I couldn't help myself and grabbed our sand toys and some balls for the kids and my boyfriend had to bring his rip stick. I did grab a couple of chairs even though I knew there would be picnic tables. We ended up grilling out there and staying at the park around five hours. We had a great time and I was told the groceries we're $60.00 and I chipped in $20.00 along with my other two siblings. Ultimately it saved me alot of money. But I hated it. Not while we were there. I hated not going overboard. I guess I shouldn't say hated, I was uneasy, I felt unprepared. Dragging five kids to the park, to eat, I felt like I was driving blind. But it worked out. I am wondering now how to change my way of thinking so that I don't spend the money and I don't stress about not having enough to do or to eat.

One of my most expensive times of the year is coming up. The Fourth of July. My mom always has a huge party in her back yard. Filled with tons of food, tons of kids, swimming, music, alcohol, poker and someone always gets into a fight. Over the past couple of years we (boyfriend and I) have spent around $500.00. $300.00 for fireworks and $150.00 on food probably $50.00 on alcohol. Well this year, my plan is $25.00 for fireworks. We have so much left over that all we need is some sparklers for the younger ones. Food, I usually just do. I think I am going to lay low and see what everyone else wants to do and do the chip in thing again. This seems to work well. We won't be buying any alcohol this year, I am pregnant and my boyfriend doesn't drink. I may grab a six pack for him because he from time to time likes a cold one but atleast its not Rum, like I drink. That get's expensive. So my goal is under $100.00 this year. I am hoping I can be strong and stick to this. Everything else isn't necessary.